1. After years of migraines, tiredness, and tummy aches, give in to some alternative ideas. Start by finding someone (from another country) that specializes in such things. Have her test you with a fancy biochemistry method to determine your issues. {Yes, it sounds a little suspect and very weird - but I fully trust her. She was spot on with several things that I already knew from traditional testing, and then she found several other things that could well be causing my overall not-feeling-well-ness. The best part: it took her less than 2 hours and the cost compared to a bunch of medical tests - pretty much ridiculous! Also, I'd like to say, I am in love with her right now, for obvious reasons.}
2. Determine that your are in fact, intolerant/sensitive to gluten and lactose. {Updated to add- more testing revealed more intolerances. Sigh. Good-bye coffee, peanuts, legumes, mangoes, cilantro, citrus and citric acid, and yeast.} And I have toxic levels of radiation (duh, I had cancer! Why didn't anyone think of this before?), and toxic levels of aluminum and mercury too. Oh, and really fun, a parasite. OMG. Gross. But, on a happy note - no allergy or sensitity to eggs or corn, or even MSG (my long suspected enemy... I apologize, MSG, you are innocent). Also happy, not sensitive to milk proteins, just lactose. Hello goat cheese.
3. Throw out your aluminum infested deoderant. (This may be a key factor in becoming a hippie, I am pretty sure.) Don't drink from anything aluminum or go near foil.
4. Hang out the Food Co-op a lot. Like daily. Try to find something to eat other than vegetables. (Which fortunately I like, but let's face it - not exactly a tasty diet if consumed without dip, butter, cheese, etc.) Begin to feel pretty comfortable at the co-op, as if now you really do belong. Contemplate a membership. Maybe dreads are next, who knows.
5. While spending leisure time at the co-op, come across a cute little hat. Try it on. Like it. Awesome, now I am dressing as a hippie too.
6. Wake up on a Saturday morning, after, of course, ingesting the "whole body cleanse" capsules, make yourself some wheat-free falafel for breakfast. Add in vegeatables, because you're a hippie now, that's how they roll. So long brown sugar toast. As far as coffee? I am pleading ignorance - nobody told me stop that yet. Whew. Then again, realize that hippies only drink tea. Special tea, like kombucha and ginger and such. Oh dear.
7. Find yourself eating a sheet of Nori. You know, the seaweed part of sushi? It has 56 trace minerals, you know. Of course I need that, right? (PS - it tasted like crap.)
8. Analyze the fork in your hand while eating quinoa. Do you suppose Ikea forks are made with aluminum? Sigh. Probably.
9. Wake up on Saturday morning with one goal - buy the foreign ingredients necessary to make a gluten-free, lactose-free pizza. Xanthan gum, anyone? Think of nothing other, until said pizza is safe in your tummy. (Just dreaming, here.) But really, I have even roped my husband into helping with this mission today. We did own a pizza restaurant, after all. Should be good for some sort of knowledge.
10. Come to the conclusion that being 9 days without a migraine or super-big painful tummy is sooooo worth it. I can't imagine how much better still I am going to feel once I don't have a parasite living in my belly (again, omg, disgusting) and a sugar-yeastville right there with it. Maybe those hippies knew exactly what they were doing all along...
